Loans & Mortgages: A Human’s Guide to Selling Your Soul (With a 5.9% APR)
Let’s get real: Loans and mortgages are just financial haunted houses. You walk in thinking, “I can handle this!” and leave screaming, “WHY DID I SIGN THOSE PAPERS?!” Borrowing money is humanity’s oldest bad habit—right after believing “I’ll just have one chip.” Let’s dissect why we keep doing this to ourselves, how banks weaponize hope, and why your credit score is basically a popularity contest for adults.
Personal Loans: The Payday Loan Shark in a Suit
The Vibe: You’re at a 3 a.m. Google search: “quick cash no questions asked.” Personal loans are the financial equivalent of a shady back-alley deal, but with a PDF terms sheet. Need a new carburetor? A wedding? A therapeutic eBay spree? “Just borrow now, cry later!”
Why Humans Love Them:
- Instant Gratification: Loans turn your ”I want it now” into ”I deserve it now.”
- The Delusion of Control: “I’ll pay it off in 6 months!” (You won’t.)
- The Fine Print Blindfold: Nobody reads it. It’s like skipping the terms for a dating app—pure chaos.
Why We Fail:
- Interest Rates Are a Cult: That “low” 7% APR? It’s a piñata filled with compound grief.
- Life Happens: Your dog eats the couch. Your ex sues you. Suddenly, that loan is the third-worst thing in your life.
- The Debt Snowball: You take a loan to pay a loan to pay a loan. Congrats, you’re now a human matryoshka doll of regret.
Mortgages: A 30-Year Marriage to a House You’ll Hate in 5
The Vibe: Mortgages are like adopting a hippopotamus. It’s huge, expensive, and one day it’ll crush you. You’ll spend decades feeding it money while whispering, “Zillow says you’re worth more now…”
Why Humans Love Them:
- The American Delusion: “Renting is throwing money away!” (So is paying $10k in property taxes for a lawn you mow in tears.)
- HGTV Brainrot: You think shiplap is a personality trait.
- FOMO on Equity: “I’ll build wealth!” (Meanwhile, your roof builds a leak.)
Why We Fail:
- The “Fixed Rate” Fantasy: Sure, your rate is fixed. Your plumbing isn’t.
- The 20% Down Payment Myth: You put down 5%, then spend 15 years paying PMI like it’s a subscription to Bad Decisions Monthly.
- The ARM Trap: Adjustable-rate mortgages are the ex who says, “I’ve changed!” (They haven’t.)
The Psychological Warfare of Borrowing
| Trap | Loans | Mortgages |
| Sales Pitch | “Empower your dreams!” (With debt) | “Build generational wealth!” (And stress) |
| Delusion | “This is a one-time thing!” | “We’ll host Thanksgiving every year!” |
| Reality Check | Collections calls at 8 a.m. | Homeownership TikTok fails |
| Exit Strategy | Bankruptcy (allegedly) | Selling to a flipper named “Chad” |
How Banks Manipulate Your Monkey Brain
- The “Pre-Approval” Hook: It’s like Tinder swiping on your ego. “You’re approved for $500k!” (For a 40% interest rate.)
- The “Monthly Payment” Illusion: They dangle a low number to distract from the fact you’ll pay for a Toyota Corolla and get a tricycle.
- The “Financial Freedom” Lie: Borrowing $200k to “invest in yourself” is code for “I bought a boat to cry on.”
How to Pretend You’re Winning (You’re Not)
For Loans:
- Borrow Like a Monk: Only for emergencies. (No, a Peloton isn’t an emergency.)
- Rate-Shop Like a Karen: Harass every credit union until they beg you to take their money.
- The Snowball Method: Pay off small debts first. It’s like eating fries before the burger—pointless but satisfying.
For Mortgages:
- Marry a Contractor: Free repairs. Or divorce. Either way, cheaper.
- Refinance Every 3 Years: Keep the bank confused.
- Embrace House Hacking: Rent out your basement to a college student who’ll pay you in memes.
The Dark Secret: Debt is the Ultimate Cult
You’ll chant mantras like “good debt vs. bad debt” and “leverage builds wealth,” ignoring that both end with you eating ramen at 42. Banks aren’t evil—they’re just enabling your addiction to pretend adulthood.
Final Thought: Debt is a Time Machine
Loans mortgage your future to fund your present. So go ahead—take that vacation loan, buy that house with the pink bathroom. Just remember: The interest isn’t the problem. Your inability to adult is.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to Venmo my landlord while Zillow-stalking my ex’s house. 🏦💸🔮